Just Ask Andy: Hair Care

Courtesy of the woman who's textually represented on the web by a plump pair of breasts, we have our very FIRST Just Ask Andy reader's question!

Question: My hair is lacking in volume and shininess. How can I rectify this problem. Is there a product you can recommend?

Two words: Turtle Wax. Damn right.

Yep. Slap in a handful of turtle wax after you have a shower, use it to sculpt your hair into whatever shape you desire, and then give it a blowdry. You'll have all the body and volume you could ever desire, and you can buff it back into a rich, lasting shine. Problem solved.

As unpleasant as it sounds, the old "Something About Mary" option deserves a moment's consideration, too.

Yeah, yeah- I know it's disgusting and all. But we live in a time where we are constantly harangued by those deadshit enviro-hippies about not being wasteful and using renewable resources.

And when you think about it, unless you are trying to procreate (or you have a few rolls of wallpaper to put up) a natural resource that can be renewed every couple of hours or so- less if a little cocaine or some girl-on-girl action is involved- is going to waste.

So take a shot on the forehead and slick it back. You'll have prettier hair, a happier partner, and your planet will thank you.

You're welcome.