Pretend Patriots

You know, someday, someone's going to have to explain to me just what it is that compels Americans to keep telling everyone how good they think they are.

While we were on holiday, we were moseying around Borders when we came across a documentary taking aim at Michael Moore called, succinctly enough, Michael Moore Hates America.

I share a few viewpoints with Michael Moore. I firmly believe in universal healthcare, I have serious misgivings about the rush to relocate manufacturing plants to countries that pay their workers a few dollars a year, and I ALSO think that George W. Bush is a douchebag of the highest order.

But these days, who the f--k DOESN'T? On behalf of the rest of the world, I would like to take this opportunity to thank our American friends for inflicting this dopey f-ing jizzface not once, but TWICE.

Thanks a f-ing BUNCH.

But the thing is, Michael Moore is just as much of a douchebag as G-Dub. Like G-Dub, Michael Moore ALSO comes up with a conclusion first, and then shamelessly edits and twists the evidence to support that conclusion. So even if his work IS entertaining, he can similarly go f-himself.

Accordingly, when we came across this flick, I thought that it might be interesting. Unfortunately, we didn't actually find time to watch the thing until last night.

Here's my review: It was shite. You could get your handycam, point it at yourself and repeat, "Michael Moore is a tubby, lying cockhuffer who constantly looks like he's pinching a f-ing LOAF" for about an hour and a half, and you'd pretty much have the gist of this film.

In other words, perfectly valid subject matter, but not a very interesting flick.

(Now you know why I don't do f-ing movie reviews, eh?)

In fairness, the film DID have one redeeming feature. The filmmaker (and I can't remember the f-er's name, and I really can't be f-ed looking it up) interviewed the more verbose half of Penn & Teller, Penn Jillette, and showed clips of the interview throughout the film.

Now Penn Jillette is a frigging riot. He's smart, he doesn't abide bullshit, and he isn't afraid to tell someone to f--k right off, and he knows how to express his views. All good things.

Come to think of it, HE'S the guy that should have made a "Michael Moore is a peckerhead" documentary. It would have at least been interesting...

But, as you'd expect from a documentary that was made ostensibly for conservative Americans, the common theme throughout the whole film was that, contrary to Moore's assertions, America is the greatest country in the whole entire universe, and that the stinky, commie, deadshit, pinko foreigners all wish that they could live in such a magical and wondrous place.

And, of course, f--k Michael Moore. But that goes without saying.

Hell, one guy even said that America is so great because Americans and far more self-reliant than everyone else on Earth. Since f-ing WHEN?

Your government pays farmers to NOT grow crops. Your congressmen get into veritable slap-fights when it comes time to decide which state gets the bigger chunks of government militray contracts, because they know just how much of their local economies rely on federal money.

And that's without even mentioning the small matter of the loose change you've just slipped the financial and automotive sectors...

Self-reliant my ARSE. Y'know, I bet the guy who said it hasn't even BEEN overseas.

I SHOULD make it clear that I am well aware of the fact that not ALL Americans go in for this jingoistic pseudo-patriotism crap. There are plenty of seppo folk who cringe when they hear yokels waving their little flags while screaming this "USA is number one" crap. But I'm quite sure that these people know exactly where I'm coming from with this.

For the rest of you, though, I would like to make something completely clear: The US is NOT the best country in the world. Your soldiers aren't the bravest, your people aren't the smartest, and your culture isn't the most advanced. You're no more self-reliant, or innovative, or decent than the people of many OTHER countries.

But you ARE the biggest blowhards. You've got the world LICKED in that respect.

So, if the Yanks aren't the best, then who is?

Easy. Nobody. Every country has its flaws, and every country has its strengths. I'm quite sure that the vast majority of people in the world think that their country is great, but they have the good sense and perspective to be a little realistic (not to mention MODEST) about it.

And THAT'S what patriotism is. If you only see the good in something, then it's easy to love it dearly. It is much more challenging- and FAR more valid- to see the flaws in something and love it anyway.

Waving a little f-ing flag and claiming God's endorsement doesn't make you a patriot- it just makes you a f-ing nutjob.

Besides, when your country has, over the course of a few years, completely f-ed up both the security and the economy of the planet, it really isn't the time to start boasting, y'know?

Later.