Just Ask Andy!

You know, I've always thought that I'd have something of a talent as an agony aunt.

Why not? I'd like to think that i have a wide enough rabge of knowledge, and I can spin bullshwa with the best of 'em. It's not like they have any OTHER qualifications.

So I thought, "F-it". I'll give it a bash.

Of course, in order to wow you all with the depth and breadth of my knowledge, I must first have some questions. So I delved into my Sitemeter and dug up a few of the Google searches that found their way to my little web home.

F-it. I never said I was the bastion of originality.

Enjoy...

Someone from Baltimore, Maryland, USA wanted to know:

What is risotto supposed to look like?

Glad you asked. Traditionally, risotto should ooze when you spoon it onto the plate with a lava-like consistency. Some people (even some fancy schmancy chefs in those snooty restaurants) serve risotto that piles onto the plate in a huge mound.

To my mind, either is perfectly acceptable. But if you're going for authenticity, then it needs to ooze.

You're welcome.

Someone from Newtownabbey in the UK asked:

Can my doctor prescribe me champix?

Certainly, provided that you don't have any major heart troubles or the like. They have had reports of Champix causing psychotic episodes in some people, so he'll need to know if you have any history of being a big fat looney toon.

But aside from that, your local doctor is the guy to see. Tell him I sent ya!

Someone from Pullen Vale in Queensland, Australia asked:

Is Sandra Sully Pregnant?

No f-ing idea. If she is, it wasn't me.

More importantly, though: Am I the only one who thinks that it is f-ing HILARIOUS that there is a place called "Pullen Vale".

*snort* HAW HAW HAW!

A Mac user from the UK asked:

Why is moving house is depressing me?

Could be because of this whole economy business. Are you moving into a cardboard box or something?

Moving house sucks balls. It sucks because you are faced with one of two realisations: either you see just how little you've managed to accumulate over the course of your life, or you have actual, tangible proof of the sheer volume of the useless crap that you've wasted your money on.

NEITHER thought is exactly comforting, y'know?

My advice is this: f--k moving house. Be happy where you are, pay someone ELSE to move your shit for you, or just abandon your stuff and leave it for the next people. It's not like your stuff is THAT great to begin with.

Someone from Saint Catharines, Ontario, Canada had this to say:

Champix didn't work.

It didn't? Bad luck, eh?

Here's what I know about Canadians: They have an ungodly fascination with ice hockey, potato chips with melted cheese and shit on top, and the business end of the noble moose. And if you released mercury into the water supply of your average American town, they'd all end up sounding like Canadians.

So Champix didn't work. Maybe you could try hypnosis or something.

Or you could just keep on smoking. Hell, you have to die somehow, and who's to say that lung cancer is any worse than withering away in a nursing home somewhere?

And sure, cigarettes can be expensive. Might I suggest you start trying to rob corner stores? I'm sure it's simple enough- just get yourself a handgun of some description, and the rest is pretty self-explanatory.

Seriously, though, if Champix was a bust and you'd still like to give up smoking, I have the ultimate technique for you. Want to hear it?

Of course you do.

Instead of expensive tablets, patches or hypnotherapy sessions, the only thing you need to purchase is a normal, everyday ballpein hammer.

Should set you back about $15 or so. Less if you don't mind buying secondhand.

You continue smoking as normal, but every time you finish a cigarette, you take your ballpein hammer and use it to strike yourself in the genitals just as HARD as you possibly can. You may wish to have a loved one or a co-worker assist you.

If you're REALLY addicted, it may take you as many as eight or ten whacks in the goolies to form the negative association. After which, you will be CURED!

Of course, in the weeks and months to follow, you may find yourself suffering from the odd craving here and there. To counter this, you should keep your hammer handy, and deliver unto yourself the occasional pre-emptive strike. Just to keep the pain of smoking at the forefront of your mind.

Follow this regime, and I GUARANTEE success. You'll save money on contraception, t'boot.

Not bad, eh? I'm sure you understand why I was so glad that Champix worked for me.

___________________________

There ya go. I swear, put me in one of those fancy orange robes and I'd be just like one of those wise old buddhist monks. Or Miyagi.

Of course, feel free to hit me with any questions you have. You can email me (reddirt6722@live.com) if you'd rather stay anonymous. I'd promise not to make fun of you, but I'd just be lying.

Later.