Dicing With Death

I can definitely see why people love living in Melbourne. Just as easily, I can state with the utmost certainty that I could never be one of those people.


See, you have to realise that I am happily unfashionable. Not in that “so unfashionable that I have my own distinct style and therefore AM fashionable” way either. I can go MONTHS without putting on a pair of enclosed shoes, and MY only usual morning style conundrum involves what plain-coloured polo shirt and shorts will make up that day's ensemble.

Case in point: On my wedding day, my wife wore a beautiful white gown. Standing next to her, I wore neither tie or long-sleeved shirt. I've racked my brains for the past hour, and for the life of me I can't recall the last time I wore either. Short of an unexpected court appearance, I can't see myself changing this fact.

Unfortunately, this shit just don't FLY in Melbourne. Every f-er in this town seems to be plucked straight out of the pages of some trendy catalogue, to the point that I geniuinely started to feel about as out-of-place as a gangsta rapper in a KKK meeting.


Well, maybe not EXACTLY like a gangsta rapper in a KKK meeting. I didn't see anyone reaching for their lynchin' rope or anything. But you get the picture.


Hell, I actually felt the need to find the local big'n'tall shop to pick out a new outfit to go to a social gathering. For someone who sees clothes stores less often than he does New Year's celebrations, that's a monumental concession.

But as I said, I can definitely see why people rave about the place. The streetscapes are incredible and the architucture blows anything in Perth away, hands-down.

But I have a question: Why the f—k haven't you people realised the folly of having trains (and don't give me that “they're trams, not trains” crap) running down your streets? Do you not think that there may be a REASON why other cities have their train lines in tunnels, or on bridges, or in their own little strips of land far away from cars and pedestrian traffic?

Ugh. Because of these f-ers, I had to work out that, occasionally, you will be expected to stay in the LEFT hand lane when you want to make a f-ing RIGHT.

Are you f-ing SHITTING me?

Also, I would like to make a suggestion for the Victorian tourism people, if I may...

It may be wise to advise people of a few things when they arrive. Perhaps you could make some sort announcement on when the planes land. You know, along with the “Welcome to Melbourne, the weather is cold and rainy, and we hope you enjoy your stay”.



First and foremost, you should let visitors in on the fact that in Melbourne, traffic lights and stop signs are considered merely an advisory service, and are not intended to be taken seriously. Similarly, painted white lines on the street (elsewhere they are known as “lane markings”) are apparently some manner of urban art, rather than a guide as to where cars should confine themselves. This is something else that visiting drivers should probably be made aware of. But hell, that's just MY opinion.

But hey- what the hell would *I* know. I'm just some douchebag...

Now, far be it from me to get into some “we're better drivers than you are” war. The fact is, Melbournians would have to be retarded, vision-impaired simians (or, in other words, “taxi drivers”) to be worse drivers than Perth residents. It's just that Melbourne drivers all seem to share the same distaste for such trivialities, and drive accordingly. For a visitor, though, it can be a little unnerving.

Until said visitor realises that he has paid for a damage waiver on his rental car, of course. Then said visitor couldn't give a flying f—k about crashing the car, and decides to show these f-ers who's REALLY got a death wish.

Heh.