In The New Nest

For all intents and purposes, we're completely moved. We still have to unpack everything, and the cleaners haven't quite finished at the old place, but we're in the new house.

And not a second before time, either. Trust me on this: Moving house with a three-month-old in tow was NOT one of our better ideas.

We're both a bit sore and VERY f-ing tired, but the move went about as smoothly as we could have hoped. The wife's treadmill is a complete pain in the arse to move, and trying to maneuver our sofa (one of those three-seat jobs with recliners at each end) in and out of narrow door frames was pure torture, thanks to a design that was OBVIOUSLY penned by a removalist-hating sadist with a penchant for lopping off fingers. But the rest wasn't TOO bad.

I'll be f-ed if I'm going to move again for a few years, though. We're either staying put for a while, or we're paying someone else to shift everything. F--k THAT shit.

You know, professional removalists are either the DUMBEST f-ing human beings on the face of the planet, or PRINCES AMONG MEN. I can't figure out which.

How anyone can CHOOSE to wake up every single f-ing morning and shift f-ing FURNITURE around for a living is beyond me. I can only hope that they are doing it out of some selfless desire to spare the rest of humanity the pain and stress, rather than being big, retarded f-ing oafs who are simply too stupid to get a job that involves anything more mentally taxing than "lifting shit up".

And if it IS the latter, every school should be compelled by LAW to invite a removalist to visit every class, with the warning that "if you don't study hard and do well at school, THIS is what you'll end up being". You'd solve all manner of behavioural problems INSTANTLY.

And if a few kids STILL act up? Easy- kick the little bastards out of school. If the idea of growing up to be a removalist doesn't scare them, nothing that they teach at school is going to help.