A Temporary Escape

Hey, f-er! I never signed no "nudity" clause!

Well, our year-end holiday is all booked and paid for. You have NO idea how much of a relief it is to know that we are escaping this f-ing hellhole for a few weeks.

You want to know how much? Well, we're not even into NOVEMBER, and we're ALREADY having weeks where the daily temperature is around 40°C. If we're LUCKY, the mercury might drop below twenty at night.

(For those who are metrically-challenged, 40°C works out to around "WAY too f-ing hot" in the Fahrenheit scale. Just so you know.)

The plan is for us to drive down to Perth over two days (which means we'll be doing about 900km each day), stay in a nice resort for a couple of nights, before flying over to Melbourne for five nights of fun and frivolity.

The wife's brother and his family live over there, so it will be nice to catch up with them and show off our new addition.

After Melbourne, we'll fly BACK to Perth, where we'll spend a week or so with my parents (meanwhile, I'll be sure to CORDIALLY invite Mary's dickheaded parents to go f-themselves with a big f-ing pineapple), before loading up the car and driving back home.

Not a bad few weeks away, if I do say so myself. Not bad at all.

The best part of the trip is that it is pretty much all free. The wife gets a hefty little travel subsidy as part of her contract, which is going to cover the airfares, car rental and accommodation for the Melbourne leg (as well as most of the petrol costs to get down to Perth), while we are members of a hotel chain VIP scheme, which gives us two free nights at the resort.

Aside from food and other sundry expenses, the whole shebang is probably going to leave us maybe $300-400 out of pocket. Not bad, eh?

Ahhh. Three weeks away from the f-ing Pilbara summer. Should be a blast.

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Am I the only one that is actively HOPING for the economy to swirl down the shitter?

I mean, our savings are in a pretty secure bank (which has just been guaranteed by the federal government, so our money is as safe as it can be), our income is derived from an industry that is pretty stable regardless of the strength of the economy, we have no property or shares that are susceptible to rapid devaluation, and we are actively waiting for a property downturn to buy out first home.

Call me selfish, but in the position that we are in, the single BEST thing that could happen would be a huge economic crash that took the property market with it.

Yeah, yeah. I know. What about those who DO own houses, that are going to see themselves unemployed and owing more than their property is worth?

Well, to put it bluntly, f-'em. In the nicest possible way, of course...

Dear Lauren, Happy 21st Birthday. Love Dad.

Look, over the past few years, property owners have had no problem raking in stupidly high (and artificially inflated) growth on their portfolios. They made this money at the expense of those of us who have found ourselves priced out of the market unless we took some particularly extreme measures.

(Like upping stakes and moving to a big patch of red dust in search of a few extra shekels, fr'instance.)

This goes DOUBLE for those c-suckers who think that they're gifted property investors simply because they have a few grand worth of equity, a paintbrush and the ability to sign their name on a contract.

Here's a tip for you: Making a shitload of paper wealth on property when the market is doubling every year or two does not make you a genius. It just makes you lucky. I don't care HOW many silly Today Tonight stories (and their "single mum with a massive property portfolio" crap) say otherwise.

It is THESE people who I hold DIRECTLY responsible for me living in this town. For that alone, I wish them a lifetime of gonorrhea and burst hemorrhoids. Rat f-ers.

The fact is, none of those people felt bad when the market's explosion priced a massive segment of the population out of any realistic chance at property ownership. They simply sat back and counted their skyrocketing valuations. So if everything goes kaput, then tough shit. I won't be shedding any tears for them.

Somehow, I reckon that the bank execs that CAUSED this mess will come out of it fine, though. Call me crazy...

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You have to love middle-class welfare, don't you?

I worked it out the other day, and in Lauren's FIRST year of life, she's going to end up earning more cash than her f-ing FATHER.

Honestly, I'm not even exaggerating here.

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a woman with a nice burger...

We scooped $5,000 as a baby bonus shortly after she was born. While Mary was looking into applying for the baby bonus, she discovered these FANTASTIC little inventions called "Family Tax Benefits". These will kick in another six grand or so.

Given that I am a lazy shit kept man DOMESTIC ENGINEER, my income is looking like being decidedly LESS than $11k. So my baby daughter is going to have a greater income than me.

Now, I'm not complaining or anything, but there is something particularly wrong with this. Especially when you consider that we might also buy our first home this year, and be eligible for up to another $21k as a first home buyer's grant.

Thirty-two thousand dollars. You know, when all of this cash comes through at the end of the financial year, I am going to make a point of going through all of the News.com.au comment boards and personally thanking every person who bitches about women popping out kids just to get new plasma TVs.

It's the LEAST I could do.

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Usually, I use the power of the internet to expand my knowledge of the world around us. This is NOT one of those occasions.

So I was moseying around, surfing links, when I came across this. Being the curious type, I started plugging in names.

The first calculation wasn't particularly encouraging:

Zero percent? When I saw this, I woke Mary up and told her to pack her bags and f-off. There's no point wasting any MORE time if we're just drawing dead, y'know?

Of course, then I remembered that without her job, we wouldn't even HAVE this house, and that there isn't much call for irregularly-posting bloggers and wannabe religious icons around these parts.

I mean, what the f--k would these computer types know, anyway. We're PERFECT for each other.

(Pleasedon'teverkickmeoutbecauseIloveyoulotsandlotsandlots.)

After trying out a few other names, I was sure that the "Love Calculator" was nothing but a bunch of shite. I mean, can you think of a more UNLIKELY couple than this:


Maybe I don't need to worry after all. I mean, G-Dub certainly isn't smart enough to have fooled the world for all these years, is he?

Of course not. After this, I was ALMOST convinced that I didn't need to pay this thing any mind.

And then I tried ANOTHER pair:


With THAT sort of accuracy, maybe I should be looking for a good divorce lawyer?

BWAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

(In case you're wondering: Yes, this whole segment was designed for no other reason but to take the piss out of a single person reading this. I am fully aware that no one will be nominating me for the f-ing Pulitzer anytime soon.)

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I need a little knowledge.

Like I said, we're going to be spending a few days in sunny (?!) Melbourne. Unfortunately, I haven't been to Melbourne in a couple of decades, so I am somewhat out of the loop when it comes to what to see and where to go.

You know, if Billy Ray Cyrus has been in the country recently, I'd be asking the wife some SERIOUS f-ing questions right now...

I rarely drink (but I DO have certain OTHER previously-discussed vices that I may wish to indulge if anyone can hook me up, hint hint...), so I couldn't give a shit about which are the best restaurants, clubs and pubs. And we've got the hotel already booked, so I'm set in that respect.

(Although, if you have any info on the "Park Regis Griffin Suites" on St Kilda Road, I'm all ears. Particularly in respect to the availability of parking around the place...)

We're planning on making the trip out to that African savannah zoo thingie out in Werribee, and I expect that I'd find myself in that museum at the MCG at some point. But I'm open to suggestions for a family-type day trip or two while I'm over there.

Also, I'm from a state that (thankfully) hasn't yet succumbed to the scourge of tolled roads, thus I am completely baffled about this subject. What's the deal with this Tollway shit? Am I going to need to pony up, or is it entirely feasible to give the toll roads the big browneye and stick to the free roads?

If paying a toll turns an hour drive into a ten minute one, then I'll happily cough up the cash. But if there isn't a huge difference, then I wouldn't mind saving a few clams.

There ya go. A few questions for my Victorian friends out there. Help a bruvva out, eh?

Later.