Meme: Self-Interrogation

I stole this from Bonnie (who REALLY needs to let us all know how the pregnancy's going- hint hint) a while back. Should you wish to steal it from me, be my guest.

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?

A baby seat, a couple of CD folders, and a few of those green hippie bags that you buy from the supermarket.

2.When was the last time you threw up?

This morning. One of the drawbacks of having a Lap Band is that if you don't chew something until it is almost liquefied, it can get stuck in the band and won't go down. Should it not go down, there's only one other option.

When my niece was up here visiting, I had my band filled up, which makes it really tight and increases the chances of something getting stuck. Over the few days that she stayed with us, I threw up maybe five or six times, prompting my niece to quietly ask my wife, "Is Uncle on one of those diets where you throw up all of your food?"

I think she meant "bulimia". Heh.

3. What’s your favorite curse word?

F--k. I say it frequently and with great vigour.

4. Name three people who made you smile today.

-My daughter, because she's an utter cutey.
-Billy Connolly, because the stand-up DVDs that we own are a f-ing riot.
-My wife, because, well, she does things. WIFELY things. 'Nuff said.

5. What were you doing at 8am this morning?

Sleeping. What the hell ELSE is 8am for?

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

Commenting on a couple of blogs. Watching TV. The usual.

7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now?

Commenting on a couple of blogs. Watching TV. The usual.

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?

Sure, plenty of times. Not for a good few years, though.

9. What’s the last thing you said aloud?

"Shut the f--k up, you idiot f-ing dogs!"

10. What is the best ice cream flavour?

Something with caramel swirls in it. Maybe with some macadamia nuts in it.

11. What is the last thing you had to drink?

Water. Pretty much all I ever drink.

12. What are you wearing right now?

A sexy ensemble of red polo shirt and grey shorts. I am style personified.

13. What was the last thing you ate?

Two corn thins. F--k that's depressing...

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

Heh. No. I may be wrong, but I don't think I've bought new clothing this YEAR.

15. When was the last time you ran?

I haven't the first f-ing idea. There would have been a "9" in the year. In my book, running is for chumps and thieves.

16. What’s the last sporting event you watched?

A UFC DVD. Matt Hughes against Royce Gracie.

17. Who is the last person you e-mailed?

Dell customer support. Although, I have no doubt that not a single actual "person" has actually READ it. Whichever arsehole decided that the way forward was for corporations to automate all of their customer communications needs to be kicked in the scrotum.

18. Ever go camping?

Sure, heaps of times. I like camping.

19. Do you have a tan?

Nope. Except for the old truckie's arms.

20. Do you drink your soda from a straw?

I don't drink soft drinks any more, but even when I did, I generally went for the uncouth, swig-from-the-bottle method.

21. Are you someone’s best friend?

Sure. I married her.

22. What are you doing tomorrow?

If all goes to plan, watching my baby daughter all day in order to give the wife a whole day off. She's been filling bottles with breastmilk all week in the hope of building up enough stocks to get me through a day of feedings without her needing to wake up.

23. Where is your mum right now?

At home, I'm guessing.

24. Look to your left. What do you see?

An idiot f-ing black dog snoozing away on the sofa.

25. What colour is your watch?

Silver, with a navy blue face. I hate wearing gold, so aside from my wedding ring (which, due to my diminishing mass it too loose for my finger and now lives on my necklace) every bit of jewellery I own is silver.

26. What comes to mind when you think of Australia?

Home.

27. Would you consider plastic surgery?

Heh. Nah, I'm an ugly f-er who is perfectly content with his looks.

On second thoughts, scratch that. Should my weight loss continue on its rapid course, I will likely end up with a huge floppy flap of skin where my belly was. I might decide to have that cut off if it becomes necessary.

Either that, or I'll keep it and use it to scare kiddies. Or use it to retain my modesty should I want to get changed at the beach. One or the other.

28. What is your birthstone?

F-ed if I know. I'll take a guess and say "pea gravel".

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru?

Drive-thru. I prefer not to mix with the riff-raff if I can help it.

30. How many kids do you want?

I don't know. Maybe three or four? Depends on how mangled the missus wants her chooch to get.

31. Do you have a dog?

Yup. Two in fact. Both stupid, both annoying.

32. Last person you talked to on the phone?

Some splitarse from the local parliamentarian's office, asking if I wanted to help them out on election day. I told her where she could go, and what she could do when she got there.

During last year's federal poll, I was dedicated to seeing the previous government turfed out, and decided to volunteer for the local opposition candidate. While I was there, I mentioned that I would be very interested in finding a career in politics- not as a candidate, but as a researcher or adviser or something.

After talking to some of the electorate officers, I came to realise that a working knowledge of the political process made me extremely over-qualified for the gig. I mean, the local f-ing CAMPAIGN MANAGER needed me to explain to her how random sampling could produce an accurate guide as to the electorate's mood. When I said the words "margin of error" she looked at me as though I asked if I could stick my pecker up her nose.

When the top person on the campaign is clueless as to the people and policies involved, you tend to lose a little faith. The sad thing is that I have little doubt that she'll probably work her way up to being a candidate somewhere down the track.

Needless to say, I will NOT be voting for her.

Anyhow, they ended up pissing in my pocket enough for me to agree to work a couple of shifts in their office when everyone else wanted a few days off. They made it clear that should I do these two days (and one of the days was my f-ing birthday, so I needed some convincing) I would be at the head of the list when any more work came up. So I went in, ran the office by myself and did what needed to be done.

Then I didn't hear from them again. Well, until now, at least.

A few weeks later, I found out that they had some 18-year-old bit of fluff who was their usual relief worker, and the only reason they needed me was because she wasn't available. Obviously, they were just blowing smoke up my arse so that no one had to alter their plans.

So the idea of volunteering any more of my time for them wasn't exactly enticing. Besides, I was committed to seeing the federal government replaced, so I gave my time to help that to happen. Unfortunately, I'm not particularly impressed with the state Labor party (or, more importantly, the performance of the local Labor member), so I have no interest in helping him get re-elected. Hell, I don't even think I'll be voting for him.

I know I sound very bitter, and for good reason. I AM f-ing bitter about it. I know more about the political history, the political process and voting psychology than every person in that office put TOGETHER, and they treated me like some pissant douchebag. Unlike the f-ing nimrods that actually work there, I have the knowledge and the ability to go out and actually win them votes with more sophisticated methods than stuffing f-ing envelopes.

Of course, there's no sense in actually getting someone USEFUL in there. Of course not.

Idiots. I'll giggle like a loon if they lose this seat, and find themselves out of a job. Serve them right. The sad thing is that if they are turfed out, they won't know that they let a guy who could have made a REAL difference slip through their fingers.

I realise I sound like I'm pulling my own pecker here, but I know exactly what I'm capable of. Just as I'll be brutally honest about my flaws, I'll be similarly frank about my skills.

F--k 'em. Their loss.

33. Have you met anyone famous?

Yeah, I met one person you've definitely heard of (even those of you from overseas), but WAY before he/she found fame. Got pissed with him, in fact. Somehow, I doubt I'll be drinking with him/her again anytime soon.

Who was it? Not telling.

34. Any plans today?

Nope. I rarely have plans for the day. Why would I?

35. Ever go to college?

Sure, a couple of times. Didn't last more than a semester either time, and didn't learn a single thing. Did some serious drinking, though.

36. Where are you right now?

At home.

37. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?

F-ing bindi-eye prickles getting into the house and onto the carpet. Shits me to tears.

38. Last song listened to?

Rock Bottom by Eminem.

39. Are you allergic to anything?

Nope.

40. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Thongs. Told you I was stylish.

41. Are you jealous of anyone?

Nah, not really. Well, aside from everyone who doesn't have to live in a hot, red, dusty shithole, of course.

42. Who is your favorite actor/actress?

Hmmm. Good question. I like Jason Lee's stuff, Bernie Mac was hilarious. Hugh Laurie is truly brilliant, and Stephen Dorff is hugely underrated. Rosario Dawson has her charms, too.

43. What time is it?

Just gone 8.30PM.

44. Do any of your friends have children?

Yeah, a couple of them

45. Do you eat healthy?

Yeah, mostly. I eat very little, too.

46. What do you usually do during the day?

Sleep. Cook. Look after the baby. Watch TV. Surf the 'net. That sort of stuff.

47. How old will you be on your next birthday?

31.

48. Have you ever been to Europe?

Yep. I was born there.

49. Name one thing you’d still like to do.

Enter the main event of the World Series of Poker, and not bust out on the first day.

50. Favorite colour?

Burgundy. I have no idea why.

__________________________

Just so you know, I've ordered another laptop to replace the water-logged one. Typing anything involved with half of the keyboard not working is frustrating the living shit out of me, so until the new one gets here don't expect too many updates around these parts.

Before I go, I thought I'd share this little event with you. I was in the baby's room last night, cradling her and trying to get her to drop off to sleep. The wife, in the meantime, was in our room, trying to catch some Z's of her own.

While I was holding the baby, I noticed that the baby monitor was on, and that the reciever was in our bedroom. Knowing that the missus would be able to hear every word I said, I figured I'd have a little fun. So I started singing a song.

You might have heard of the song before. It's called Just The Two Of Us.

Only I sung the Eminem version. Heh.

It was a matter of SECONDS before the wife was yelling nasty things out to me. Strangely enough, though, the baby seemed to like it. She was asleep in no time.

Heh. I am SUCH a bastard sometimes.

HAW HAW HAW!

Later.