Baby Advice For Beginners

Ask and ye SHALL receive!

So, in my last post, I mentioned how Bonnie hadn't been around for a while. Thankfully, she took the hint and updated us on her own pregnancy. Attagirl!

In her latest missive, she said this:

So what else to report..... I now have less than 12 weeks to go til I become a mummy (scary!) time if flying a little to quickly for liking. I feel I am not yet up for the challenge. There has been many a teary conversation at night. I am scared. I am nervous. I am not sure how I will cope with a newborn. Cannot fathom how I will function without sleep. I still don't really know the first thing about babies, despite reading every baby book known to man. Ask me anything about pregnancy, I will be able to give you a perfect answer. Ask me something about babies and I get it right maybe half the time. I feel like I am studying for the HSC and the info is going in one ear and out the other, and the exam is tomorrow.

Now, I like Bonnie, and she's good people. I have no doubt that the baby will pop out and her and her other half will find, like we did, that most of it seems to come pretty instinctively.

I realise that I've only been doing this whole parenthood caper for a couple of weeks, but I figured I'd do my best to allay some of Bonnie's fears by sharing some of the knowledge I've picked up. Knowledge is power, right?

1. Don't read any more f-ing baby books.

Yeah, I know. The minute you find out that you're having a baby, your first thought is to learn as much as you possibly can about the process, so you go out and buy every baby book you can get your mitts on. Trust me- my wife is the QUEEN of buying boxes of reference books. I understand the thought process.

The problem with reading so many books on this topic is that you'll be bombarded with information, most of which is completely contradictory.

You've probably noticed this yourself- one book will tell you that you must never, EVER do something, and then the next book will tell you that it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that you do the same damn thing. Far from assuring yourself and learning, you only end up more confused and nervous. Put them away, and don't pick them up again until the baby is a year or so old.

When you deliver the baby, you will (hopefully) be in a hospital with midwives who have seen hundred- no, THOUSANDS- of babies born. They will tell you everything you need to know about feeding, burping, changing, cradling, comforting and bathing the baby, and they will sit there with you and help you work out what works for YOUR baby. They will tell you all of the little tricks that give you an insight into what your baby wants and needs at every moment, and they will sit there and help you out until it clicks for the both of you.

Seriously, the midwives will tell you all you need to know. And it WILL work.

2. You will get very little sleep for a while, and you'll learn to cope with it just fine.

Yeah, it WILL suck. You may very well be reduced to tears once or twice. If you have a supportive partner (and I am well aware that you DO) you will be just fine.

The trick is to make sure that whenever the kid falls asleep, YOU go to sleep. You might only end up getting a couple of hours at a time, but it will add up and it will give you JUST enough rest to be able to soldier on.

Here's my other suggestion: The minute you are able, start expressing breast milk. Buy a dozen or so little bottles, and every time you express a bottle, cap it and whack it in the freezer. When you have built up a stock of 8-10 bottles (of 80mL or so each), organise with your other half to have a day off. He gets to stay up and take care of all of the feedings and changings, and you just squirrel yourself away and sleep for fifteen hours, and chill for fifteen more.

Most of all, it gives you a light at the end of the tunnel. If you can look forward to getting some good sleep in a few days, you won't get quite so despondent about your fatigue. Besides, it'll give your partner a chance for some kickarse bonding time with the bub.

Just make sure you buy the right teats for the bottles. From experience, getting mixed up and using a 'toddler' teat with a newborn can get rather messy.

3. Trust your instincts.

Deep down inside, you are wired up to bear and raise kiddies. It doesn't matter HOW much you know about babies now, the second it bursts out (and it WILL burst out, let me f-ing tell you) a little light will go off and you'll know exactly what to do.

Hell, nature does this shit ALL the time. Even f-ing sharks and crocodiles- the meanest, angriest, shiftiest bastards around, become all maternal and protective when they procreate. Nature knows just exactly what the f--k it is doing.

Even I'VE found that most of it comes naturally. I have always been one of those guys that had no idea about kids. I just didn't 'get' it. But the second Lauren came along, everything just felt right.

So, when you have the kid, you (and your man) will get this strange feeling of knowing what you need to do. You may have to ask some people a few questions from time to time, but for the most part you'll just know what to do.

Honest.

4. Don't- DON'T- think about using cloth nappies for a newborn.

Ugh. This was by FAR the stupidest thing idea I've ever had.

Babies shit. A LOT. And the ability to roll up the shit and plonk it in a bin is a godsend. Being forced to pick out the solid bits, soak the nappy, wash it, hang it on the line, fold it up and have it ready for next time is just plain RETARDED.

Technology has come up with disposables for a very good reason: Because THEY ARE F-ING DISPOSABLE!

They work, and they are the ONLY way you want to go. Don't be a f-ing idiot like I was.

Man, what the HELL was I thinking?

Oh- and while we're on the subject: if you have a little boy, make sure that your face is out of the firing line when you are changing him. Babies WILL piss and shit while you are changing them, and you don't really want to wear a stream of piss in the face.

A few nights ago, Lauren went through FIVE nappies in the space of less than ten minutes. I changed her, and as soon as I had the new nappy on her she strained her face and filled it. So I changed her again.

And she shat again. So I changed her again, and she shat again. And so on.

Five f-ing nappy changes. I swear, she was doing it intentionally. Little shit-demon.

_______________________

There ya go. Four pretty solid tips from someone who is headlong into the deal as we speak.

Trust me on this, Bonnie. Your partner is dead, balls-on correct. You will be just fine, and you will look back and wonder why you were so worried about things. He sounds like a stand-up bloke, so I'm sure he'll be there to take some of the pressure off when you need it. Between the two of you, you'll not only get through it, but you'll actually enjoy the process.

Besides, if you want any tips or whatever, you know how to hit me up.

Later.