The Whole Truth- Part 1

Seeing as you are all good enough to spend some of your valuable time reading whatever nonsense I have to share, I thought it only fair that I tell you a bit about myself, warts and all.

I'll do a few of these over the coming weeks as new snippets occur to me. But for now, this is the whole truth about me...

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I am thirty years old. I feel myself getting older and more crotchety every day, but I have no fear of aging. I mean, as time passes, you have two options: either you get older, or you die. I'd rather blow out more candles each year than spend eternity looking up at the inside of a casket.

I am happily married to a woman to, if the truth be told, is FAR better than I ever thought I'd manage to land. Not that I'm particularly insecure or anything, but facts are facts...

We are also polar opposites in a lot of ways. We have somewhat different tastes in a lot of things, but we have similar views on the things that matter. I have long realised that it is both the differences AND the similarities that make us so happy with each other.

But she truly gets me. Given the fact that sometimes I don't really get MYSELF, this is something of a miracle.

I believe I'm a good husband, though. I dearly love my wife, and I do my best to keep her smiling every day. Regardless of whether or not I ever find my professional calling, I will be happy with my life if I can be a good husband and a good father.

I am a fiercely private person. Exposing things about myself like this- and some of it I have never admitted to anyone, bar my wife- is incredibly uncomfortable for me, but strangely cathartic at the same time.

I am horrifically lazy by nature. I like my couch, I LOVE my bed, and I can quite happily while away the hours switching my brain off and zoning out on the TV. I am under no illusions that this is a serious character flaw.

I have failed in life far more often than I have succeeded. Having never really had a job that I loved, I have invariably grown bored with each and every career path I've tried. I also have no tolerance for fools, especially when said fools are in a position of authority.

In my life, I have been a petrol station cashier, a pizza store manager, a sales rep, a marketing consultant, an auto parts store manager, a security patrolman, an office worker, a delivery driver, a chauffeur, a business owner, and more. I never enjoyed any of them.

I went to university three different times. Each time I spent more time at the campus tavern than in any class, and aside from getting monumentally hammered regularly it was a complete waste of my (and THEIR) time. I regret not making more of an effort to get a degree.

I am a shit hot, self taught cook. I have a wide repertoire of different styles and dishes that I have perfected, from pretentious restaurant-type dishes to big, hearty, rustic home meals.

I had a best mate who was as close to me as a brother for over fifteen years. He took his own life unexpectedly just over four years ago, and I still haven't truly found a way to deal with it. I still miss him terribly.

After he passed away, I found myself unable to really stay connected to most of my other close mates. I ended up gradually withdrawing from most of them, to the extent that I don't really have any contact with them any more. I regret this deeply.

The truth is that I fell apart far more than I was really willing to admit. I should have talked to someone about it at the time, but I didn't. The patience of my wife at the time pretty much saved my sanity.

I have no idea if my pecker is big or small. I would certainly be conspicuous in the company of donkeys, but it seems to be able to get the job done. I've never understood why some guys seem to get precious about their todgers- it's not like you could change it even if you wanted to. I've never seen the point of worrying too much about it.

Nothing is more attractive to me than a woman with curves. Women are actually SUPPOSED to have tits and an arse. Magazine editors can go f-themselves.

I love cooking and I am naturally lazy. No prizes for guessing that I am a great big fat f--k. Luckily, I am also 6'6" tall, so I can carry my weight without looking like an over-inflated beach ball.

Just under two months ago, I underwent gastric lap band surgery in order to assist in dropping some weight. My knees and ankles heaved a sigh of relief. I have lost over 15kg.

I was born with club feet. Basically, both of my feet were pointing in toward each other when I popped out. Thus, my feet were set in a cast for the first six weeks of my life in an attempt to straighten them out. Due to this, I have suffered continual, twice-yearly stress fractures on the arch of my feet ever since. When they fracture, they hurt like f--k, but I'm pretty much used to it now.

People, as a general rule, shit me to tears. I have no patience for inanity, which unfortunately seems to be in an ever increasing supply.

I have no real hatred for stupid people, as long as they REALISE that they are stupid and make an effort to ask questions. What I CAN'T deal with are stupid people who spout stupid opinions as though they are fact, and refuse to listen to any conflicting views, no matter how rooted in logic they may be.

I once owned a business, and due to bad luck, bad timing (like an idiot, I bought the place a couple of months after my best mate died) and and my poor management it failed. We lost a shitload of cash on the whole experience, and I have never felt so shameful as I did the day that I closed down.

Only three people have REALLY known pretty much everything about me. One is my eldest brother, the second was my best mate, and the third is my wife.

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That'll do for now. I suppose I'll have to rethink that last little fact after a few more of these, won't I?

Anyway, have a great weekend. Later.